The secret list - surprising outcomes from the main mighty list

When I wrote my initial list there was the written list, and the secret list - the things that I have wanted to do, and thought were too - too silly, too loaded, not practical enough, not quite important, or cool enough to put on the real list. This post is about those things.

I wanted to have fun colored hair... Started the fun hair colour journey a few weeks after last year's camp -thanks to mighty Rachel for having the conversation with me that led to the hair happening. 

I thought it would be great to have a space where I could make large art - In my new office I have a large room where I can do just this (I never thought that this could happen, and I'm still in awe of the space).

I've always wanted ballet flats, since I was a little girl -I purchased some lovely Reppetto flats in an amazing night sky colour, on sale no less, (love them and wear them all the time) and whenever I wear them I feel like Brigitte Bardot (Yay)

I love dresses, and have wanted to have more (or even some) dresses for many years. Generally I   haven't been able to find anything I like in my size - I took the leap and ordered some dresses off of the internet, yay eshakti! (this was a major leap- I am very much a try before buy person) , retro and classic they are flattering and fun -I now get to wear pretty dresses again!

Just the act of creating the life list, and then the organizing energy of attending camp mighty helps me to give more things (that I want to do, and that make me a little nervous) a try. Knowing that, regardless of the outcome, there will be a camp container to discuss and process my life list experiments has been transformative. 

Year 2 Life List barebones update

1. Fill a sketchbook for the sketchbook project
2. Visit Catalina Island
3. Stay on Nantucket, and ride a bike with a basket while there
4. Read at least 7 poems by 5 poets that are new to me - Maria Howe, 
5. Publish one of my small art books
6. Photograph and display some of my art on-line
7. Visit the Tate Modern Museum
8. Go to the Storm King art center (sculpture park) in Mountainville New York
9. See More Live theater, 5 plays in Ashland Oregon, 5 plays in New York City, 5 in London
10. See Chagall's Ceiling in the Paris Opera House
11. Hear Joshua Dudamel Conduct
12. Hear Muti Conduct (Again)
13. Visit the Chicago Art institute They have a very lovely members lounge, also heard some world class chamber music while I was there... gorgeous venue, amazing performance!
14. Attend Moth storytelling events in all of its' cities. sf
15. Visit the Storycorps archive in the Library of Congress
16. Make a point of seeing more of Hopper's paintings
17. Visit Venice and eat a meal al fresco watching the boats on the canals
18. Visit some natural hot springs in Japan
19. Hear a live Bach choral work
20. Dine at a Secret / occasional restaurant in S.F. and also New York
21. Eat Shanghai Dumplings in Shanghai
22. Stay in a Luxury hotel in Thailand
23. Spend a night, and have dinner at the Awhanee Hotel in Yosemite
24. Make a sand Castle, with all the trimmings
25. Stay for a week on a quiet lake in a lodge with a big porch to sit and read on, and a tasty food right there, or an easy walk away
26. Hear 5 talks lectures by people who interest me- Brene Brown, Ann Pattchett, ?, ?, ?
27. Hear Tom Waits perform in a smallish venue
28. Wander through the Paris Flea Market and purchase one small childs toy there.
29. Hear an outdoor choral performance in Germany
30. Take a one week retreat in Ireland and stay somewhere with a beautiful view of green hills, and/or a lake
31. Return to Tassajara and sit in the hot tub at night looking at the stars and listening to the creek
32. Fly first class on a trip longer than an hour.  Upgraded spontaneously after boarding the plane on my way to chicago the day after my 40th B'day, avoided energetic children, and had some amazing food!
33. Own a 1920's Stucco Bungalow without financial hardship
34. Live easy walking distance from the bay Moved to Alameda 2.5 years ago, live about 15min walk from the Bay
35. Return to the the LA County Museum
36. Find a Karaoke Song that I can nail and sing it loud
37. Make flowers to transform things that I am ready to let go of done once with journal pages done a second time with tissue paper and affirmations
38. Make a large piece of art roughly  the span of my arms x the span of my arms
39. Have a photo session for myself in the style of Amelie (jeunet )
40. Watch two versions of Bleak House
41. Take a retreat to Breitenbush in Oregon and soak in their hot springs
42. Join the local museums SFMOMA De Young/Legion of Honor, SF Contemporary Jewish Museum 
43. Attend 5 VIP Events Black and White Ball Bastille Day Fete at the De Young
44. Watch all of Fred Astaire's Movies Carefree, Swing Time, Flying Down To rio
45. Eat food at the SF Underground Market Spam Musubi and Bach Solo Cello while waiting in line - Yes!
46. Visit Tulum, and Zihuatanejo, and have a room with an ocean view
47. Stay in 5 separate destinations with an ocean view santa cruz 
48. Hear Adele in concert
49. Find 4 vintage tablecloths for my kitchen table one down 3 to go
50. Have a vintage style day dress made to my measurements
51. Read the novels of George Eliot Middlemarch, Daniel Deronda
52. Visit  Columbus Indiana and take an architectural walking tour
53. Split a spontaneous meal with a stranger while eating alone I did this twice while I was in Chicago @ Girl and The Goat, and Fat Rice  - so fun and I got to try more delicious foods!
54. Make a Joseph Cornell inspired Art Box
55. Remember 20 kindnesses that you have done for others, and write them down
56. Watch all of Howard Hawks' films
57. Listen to 2 versions of Porgy and Bess
58. Spend a night on a boat
59. See the aurora borealis
60. Mount a mini exhibit of my art - even if it's just one night
61. Eat at the Beach Chalet in San Francisco
62. Visit the Public Libraries in Stockholm, and Seattle
63. Visit the Bodleian Rare Books Library at Yale
64. Have a gourmet picnic in the Shakespeare garden at Golden Gate Park
65. Remember 20 of your favorite kindnesses received from friends, family, and strangers- and write them down
66. Receive 10 massages in 12 months
67. Visit relatives in Minnesota
68. Fly a Kite
69. Watch all available Eleanor Powell movies
70. Make a list of your 20 favorite dance Scenes in Movies 
71. Make a list of your 20 favorite moments when people break into song in movies
72. Remember your top 10 favorite dance moments for yourself, and open the door to make at least one more
73. Make a humourous speech about dating and being single to a group of 20 or more people.
74. Make an inspirational speech about my personal journey as an introvert that looks like an extrovert to a group of 20 or more people. 
75. Make a list of my top 50 favorite artists/works of art that have changed me 
76. Visit/Discover 10 semi hidden food spots Simpatica Dining Hall(portland) n(new york  Rice Paper Scissors pop up on New Years day 2012
77. Travel to Chiang Mai for the Yi Peng festival
78. Visit the Noguchi Museum in New York
79. Visit  5  new "to me" Museums in Manhattan and the 5 boroughs 
80. Go on a cheese tour in France
81. Find and visit 5 semi hidden exhibit spaces pier 24 sf
82. Watch all of Gene Kelly's Movies
83. Seek out and visit Cornell art boxes
84. View the Fireflies at Blue Spring state park in Florida
85. Visit the Magritte Museum in Brussells
86. Walk to  a field of Bluebells (location TBA)
87. Attend a performance at the Swedenborgian church in San Francisco
88. Take a tour of the Maybeck Christian Science Church in Berkeley
89. Find 5 favorite restaurants in Berkeley
90. Visit the blue lagoon in Iceland 
91. Go to the Opera in San Francisco
92. Stay in a location with comfortable lodging and very little ambient light during the full moon, and stargaze
93. Eat at the Jimtown Store (Healdsburg)
94. Shanghai Dumpling Project - cooking papa, heaven's dog, shanghai dumpling king, little dumpling shack in cupertino
95. Stay at the Royal Hawaiian on Oahu - the lovely lanai and good morning coffee, and floating in ocean watching the stars come out.
96. Stay at Hotel Vitale in SF Stayed @ Vitale the weekend I went to the Black and White Ball - on my pillow "your world is as big as you make it"
97. Try the Grilled Cheese at Hog Island Oyster Co- the oysters were the best, and the new zealand white wine.
98. Have a a gourmet picnic in Central Park.
99. Attend 5 Inspirational retreats : Accordian books with Lisa Congdon, Camp Mighty 2012 & 2013
100. will come with time

Life list side effects

This is just to say - it's been quite a year of transformation since last year's mighty meeting. This blog is mostly here so that I can publicly update and muse on my life list - strangely I tend to get much more involved in the doing than the updating.

Thus, a life list update is in the works.  The most amazing thing for me life list-wise has been how the mere creation of the list has set in motion so many incredible miniature and maxiature shifts/expansions/ and experiences.

Signing off for now

Just B.

Life List Sneak Attack

After posting my life list, I thought I'd have a little space to breathe. The perfectionist in me was excited to have completed, and posted this challenging (for me) task.

The universe laughed.

I posted it all (the whole list) on Wednesday, and on Friday I saw that Brene Brown was speaking in San Francisco (easy life list check off) . Yay,  I am in in the city all the time at least one day out of every 2 on my weekend, was so excited. Upon clicking some links and making some phone calls I found out that she was speaking in Corte Madera - not my comfort zone. What to do?  I'd rather be vulnerable nearer to home - plus I always get lost when I am in/near marin/san rafael, and I end up at my ex boyfriend's house on the way home, 'cause I don't know how to get home from there.... Yuck.

Brene Brown is big for me. Her work has helped me feel hopeful about my mental health, and also  given me context, and tools, to deal with many of the more complicated and ennervating feelings that have occured again and again in my mind and my life.  So not going to see her would have been a vote for the darkness. Even though I wasn't in the mood for the navigational discomfort that would ensue, I was going to try to make it.

I went, I got lost, I was still early, I felt uncomfortable being there alone in a crowd of people who mostly came with at least one, and maybe more friends, family etc. - However,  I was also free to journal, take a ton of notes, cry super hard (she was so right on and amazing) and pretend I was at my own revival meeting, letting out a stray "yes!" and "uh huh!" at different moments. Interestingly, when another loner attendee reached back and patted my leg I thought she was sorry for me, turned out she was was giving me an "amen sister" and had been agreeing with Brene, and me, (quietly) ... Also met a great mother and daughter in line for the signing, and got to talk about loving food - I sometimes end up feeling like I'm too dark for these group gatherings, in this case I felt seen in some profound ways.

Bottom line - glad I went. Still processing, but wanted to throw up an acknowledgement of the event. Sometimes "Daring Greatly" is  just driving to Corte Madera.

"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in"

Putting my life list down on paper - was different than I imagined.

I have always had an ongoing bucket list, mostly unwritten.

To write it down, put pen to paper, and own it publicly required some personal housekeeping.

What I needed was a new set of guidelines that made a safe space for dreaming, and a safe space for sharing dreams - dreams are tender, a lot of the time they go into hiding in bad weather.

Below is what I came up with :

If there were no deadlines

If there were no grades

If whatever I did, or didn't do, was fine

If this was an excercise in Play, Inspiration, Fantasy, and Infinite possibility

This is what I would list

On this day Sept. 14th 2012 

3 days after my 39th birthday

Here is the amazing part, after I wrote this, my list came out of my head and onto the paper.

1. Fill a sketchbook for the sketchbook project
2. Visit Catalina Island
3. Stay on Nantucket, and ride a bike with a basket while there
4. Read at least 7 poems by 5 poets that are new to me - Maria Howe
5. Publish one of my small art books
6. Photograph and display some of my art on-line
7. Visit the Tate Modern Museum
8. Go to the Storm King art center (sculpture park) in Mountainville New York
9. See More Live theater, 5 plays in Ashland Oregon, 5 plays in New York City, 5 in London
10. See Chagall's Ceiling in the Paris Opera House
11. Hear Joshua Dudamel Conduct
12. Hear Muti Conduct (Again)
13. Visit the Chicago Art institute
14. Attend Moth storytelling events in all of its' cities.
15. Visit the Storycorps archive in the Library of Congress
16. Make a point of seeing more of Hopper's paintings
17. Visit Venice and eat a meal al fresco watching the boats on the canals
18. Visit some natural hot springs in Japan
19. Hear a live Bach choral work
20. Dine at a Secret / occasional restaurant in S.F. and also New York
21. Eat Shanghai Dumplings in Shanghai
22. Stay in a Luxury hotel in Thailand
23. Spend a night, and have dinner at the Awhanee Hotel in Yosemite
24. Make a sand Castle, with all the trimmings
25. Stay for a week on a quiet lake in a lodge with a big porch to sit and read on, and a tasty food right there, or an easy walk away
26. Hear 5 talks lectures by people who interest me- Brene Brown, Ann Pattchett, ?, ?, ?
27. Hear Tom Waits perform in a smallish venue
28. Wander through the Paris Flea Market and purchas one small childs toy there.
29. Hear an outdoor choral performance in Germany
30. Take a one week retreat in ireland and stay somewhere with a beautiful view of green hills, and/or a lake
31. Return to Tassajara and sit in the hot tub at night looking at the stars and listening to the creek
32. Fly first class on a trip longer than an hour.
33. Own a 1920's Stucco Bungalow without financial hardship
34. Live easy walking distance from the bay
35. Return to the the LA County Museum
36. Find a Karaoke Song that I can nail and sing it loud
37. Make flowers to transform things that I am ready to let go of done once with journal pages done a second time with tissue paper and affirmations
38. Make a large piece of art roughly  the span of my arms x the span of my arms
39. Have a photo session for myself in the style of Amelie (jeunet )
40. Watch two versions of Bleak House
41. Take a retreat to Breitenbush in Oregon and soak in their hot springs
42. Join the local museums SFMOMA De Young/Legion of Honor
43. Attend 5 VIP Events Black and White Ball Bastille Day Fete at the De Young
44. Watch all of Fred Astaire's Movies Carefree, Swing Time, Flying Down To rio
45. Eat food at the SF Underground Market Spam Musubi and Bach Solo Cello while waiting in line - Yes!
46. Visit Tulum, and Zihuatanejo, and have a room with an ocean view
47. Stay in 5 separate destinations with an ocean view santa cruz 
48. Hear Adele in concert
49. Find 4 vintage tablecloths for my kitchen table 
50. Have a vintage style day dress made to my measurements
51. Read the novels of George Eliot
52. Visit  Columbus Indiana and take an architectural walking tour
53. Split a spontaneous meal with a stranger while eating alone
54. Make a Joseph Cornell inspired Art Box
55. Remember 20 kindnesses that you have done for others, and write them down
56. Watch all of Howard Hawks' films
57. Listen to 2 versions of Porgy and Bess
58. Spend a night on a boat
59. See the aurora borealis
60. Mount a mini exhibit of my art - even if it's just one night
61. Eat at the Beach Chalet in San Francisco
62. Visit the Public Libraries in Stockholm, and Seattle
63. Visit the Bodleian Rare Books Library at Yale
64. Have a gourmet picnic in the shakespeare garden at Golden Gate Park
65. Remember 20 of your favorite kindnesses received from friends, family, and strangers- and write them down
66. Receive 10 massages in 12 months
67. Visit relatives in Minnesota
68. Fly a Kite
69. Watch all available Eleanor Powell movies
70. Make a list of your 20 favorite dance Scenes in Movies 
71. Make a list of your 20 favorite moments when people break into song in movies
72. Remember your top 10 favorite dance moments for yourself, and open the door to make at least one more
73. Make a humourous speech about dating and being single to a group of 20 or more people.
74. Make an inspirational speech about my personal journey as an introvert that looks like an extrovert to a group of 20 or more people. 
75. Make a list of my top 50 favorite artists/works of art that have changed me 
76. Visit/Discover 10 semi hidden food spots Simpatica Dining Hall(portland) n(new york  Rice Paper Scissors pop up on New Years day 2012
77. Travel to Chiang Mai for the Yi Peng festival
78. Visit the Noguchi Museum in New York
79. Visit  5  new "to me" Museums in Manhattan and the 5 boroughs 
80. Go on a cheese tour in France
81. Find and visit 5 semi hidden exhibit spaces pier 24 sf
82. Watch all of Gene Kelly's Movies
83. Seek out and visit Cornell art boxes
84. View the Fireflies at Blue Spring state park in Florida
85. Visit the Magritte Museum in Brussells
86. Walk to  a field of Bluebells (location TBA)
87. Attend a performance at the Swedenborgian church in San Francisco
88. Take a tour of the Maybeck Christian Science Church in Berkeley
89. Find 5 favorite restaurants in Berkeley
90. Visit the blue lagoon in Iceland 
91. Go to the Opera in San Francisco
92. Stay in a location with comfortable lodging and very little ambient light during the full moon, and stargaze
93. Eat at the Jimtown Store (Healdsburg)
94. Shanghai Dumpling Project - cooking papa, heaven's dog, shanghai dumpling king, little dumpling shack in cupertino
95. Stay at the Royal Hawaiian on Oahu - the lovely lanai and good morning coffee, and floating in ocean watching the stars come out.
96. Stay at Hotel Vitale in SF
97. Try the Grilled Cheese at Hog Island Oyster Co- the oysters were the best, and the new zealand white wine.
98. Have a a gourmet picnic in Central Park.
99. Attend 5 Inspirational retreats 2 pending: Accordian books with Lisa Congdon, Camp Mighty
100. will come with time

When the tide goes out

Suddenly the cool water is almost gone - too far away

All of the things that were so simply, absolutely, here

are just as absolutely out of reach.

You blinked,

and the light went out of the sky.

The wind isn't friendly anymore,

and the sand is no longer soft.

It feels so personal. 

It feels so impersonal.

Where is the blanket that you kept meaning to put in the trunk? 

We Had Everything

Plate: Rob Ryan
Sandwich: Just B.

When you are no longer driven to get it right 

It all becomes so much easier

Like there's more air in the world

Like floating in a big still lake with a starry night sky above you

Less effort more buoyancy

When perfection is off the menu

reaching out, connecting, creating, they're all right there 

within arms reach - here - now